/siberia/ - Off-topic

I think about killing myself every day.

I feel like my relationship with crying is strange, and mirrors my relationship with my gender and the genders in general.
Growing up until the end of my early 20s, I would cry regularly, and brag about it to my friends in a sense. I thought traditional masculinity was misguided and ignorant, that crying was just a type of tensing your whole body to release stress, and that we men would be better off if we cried more like women do.
After having cried so much and stayed so miserable, and having been humiliated so many times by so many people who have seen me cry (absolutely especially women), I’ve transformed into the stock “I cannot cry. I get the feeling but nothing happens” type of man. When I do cry, it’s out of a feeling of total helplessness and panic over that helplessness, and I feel very afraid to let people see, because I know they’ll punish me for it. I feel like I’ve been beaten into being a “real”/standard/expected man because being a man doesn’t suffocate me so bad that I cannot stand it, it more kills me but leaves my heart beating.

However, I still do get that intense “this is so beautiful” type of crying feeling, very very regularly actually, and I like it, because I like finding things emotionally powerful. I just don’t ever let anyone know.

Wish I could. Im emotionally numb due to macho culture and medication.

>>529966
No. Truth be told, my life is great. It's so great in fact, that I know it's only downhill from here. I live in the imperial core, I'm straight, white, cis, neurotypical, have a decent paying job, a wife, and a daughter. I've suffered sometimes in life, but never terribly. I was bullied psychologically and physically when I was younger, but never by family, and never to the point that I would call it "torture." I'm sober, I'm healthy, I exercise and eat well. I read when I get the chance. I try to be helpful. I don't believe in an afterlife or participate in a religious community. I have older people in my family who depend on me instead of the other way around. That's why I worry so much. I'm not sad, I'm anxious. The country I live in, the United States, is a corrupt oligarchical imperialist capitalist settler colonial shithole, and it is antagonizing the rest of the world into WW3. People 15 years younger than me are going to get drafted into WW3 with China, Iran, and the DPRK. And you know what? Those kids would be absolutely in the right to frag their officers and hang every single politician and business leader from the nearest lamp post. This society will not be safe for my daughter to grow up in. It never was, but it's only getting worse. We so desperately need a revolution, but the organization isn't there. Instead I see fascism happening. I don't know what to do about it. I've never been an activist, and I lack the free time to be one.

I've cried a lot in the past. Sometimes over my own pain and suffering, sometimes thinking about the extreme and unnecessary suffering and cruelty some other people have to face. I've cried so much that I can't cry anymore.

How does one cry? I had it trained out of me by puberty and I haven't since then. My girlfriend says it'd be good for me and I believe her, but I don't even know how to do it.

>>529966
Yes. I do cry. I have days where I cry all day, but it's usually months in between of no crying.

Regarding depression, I don't cry more when I'm depressed, I cry less.

However, when I'm feeling like shit for no discernable reason, I go through a checklist to try to see what's the reason:
- am I taking my vitamins (D and B12 primarily)?
- did I drink enough water?
- have I eaten enough nutritious food?
- did I have quality sleep?
- have I drank alcohol in the past few days?
- have I walked enough steps today?
- have I either stretched my muscles or exercised them with weight?
- have I been around people today (if not with friends, work, etc, then going to a crowded place, even though it is exhausting, it is important)?
- have I pushed my heart rate above 130 BPMs today?

If I did everything right above, and I still feel like shit, then:
- take a shower
- stop all types of consumption of content. Sit in silence for a bit.
- take a 5 minute nap with a timer
- go for yet another walk
- clean my living space

If that still doesn't cut it, then I start to seriously question what's wrong. This is where I start to take a bit more seriously the negative thoughts that are going through my mind.

Usually if I don't sleep enough or if I'm hungover, I get suicidal thoughts, very negative thought patterns. So I don't take my thoughts seriously when I'm not in the best state, or at least I try to, but of course it's very hard. It also means I need to do a lot of work in order for the negative thoughts to go away and have some sense of clarity.

>>530019
I remember that thread about how burning money was praxis lol. I wish I archived that.

The lasttime I cried was like 15 years ago, I try to cry because I'm pretty sad and depresssed, but to no avail.

I'm a fucking mess through and through.

>>530545
imagine doing all four ways at once. imagine being a transfem musclegirl monk warrior

>>530669
need